All Knocked Up

An audio version of this essay is available on Substack here.

Spring is the season of rebirth. Green shoots. New leaves. Fertilization and pollination and Mother Nature in all her horny glory. The sterile winter of grey torpor (can I just go to bed yet?) surrenders to a pregnancy of vibrant possibilities. Ready to kick the winter blues? Follow her lead and get knocked up.

The pregnancy bug can manifest in ways beyond just with child: a future pregnant with possibilities; a community pregnant with friendships; a film or novel or other art piece pregnant with meaning, and so on. Regardless of one’s fertility objective, all productive intercourse requires the Rule of 4 and in this order:

1. Engagement

2. Penetration

3. Endurance

4. Climax

   
   

Let’s take a closer look.

Engagement

It takes two to tango, as the saying goes. Eager to get gestating? Then shake off the winter hibernation, mix with masses, and connect.

Your dance partner may indeed be a co-parenting prospect and the nature of engagement carnal by design. But that object of desire could equally be an exciting new project of deep meaning, or a newly discovered film director from the French New Wave school, or group of friends hosting Friday night wine tastings. In all cases, the experiences are deeper and more satisfying when shared with others (just like sex!). Who can support your project, join for some popcorn, or share some tasting notes? The zygotes of possibility won’t get planted with you shrouded in a prophylactic bubble.

Tango, Lucie Llong

And the most effective prophylactic? Our phones. Nothing insulates us better from the ambiance of life and sends that I’m not interested signal to others than public phone scrolling, headphones on, and eye contact avoided. Little surprise that the percentage of 18-30 year olds going sexless for more than a year has doubled since 2011 (to now about 40%), with 1 in 4 Gen Z adults saying they’ve NEVER HAD SEX. For the love of god, put that thing away, smile at a stranger, and engage. Nature will take care of the rest.

Penetration

The tip of the iceberg reveals little about the depths below. One night stands can be a fun distraction, but unsatisfying in the vein of deeper relationships. Fascination with that avant-garde school of cinema will be richer once a dive into its various directors, their films and go-to actors, and philosophies about movies, is made. Getting knocked up by Godard will require more than just seeing Breathless at your local arthouse and thinking, well that was weird. That new life project of deep personal meaning? It is all just barstool talk until research is done, plans are set, deadlines made, and an official launch announced, and then launched.

Penetration requires a plunge in all manner of things. So line to the target, then make your push.

Endurance

Endurance is a particularly vexing challenge for men through our sexually active years. When young we can’t hold off and when old struggle to hang in. Bless our empathetic partners. Wait, what, again?

Fortunately, our non-carnal ventures are less susceptible to the whims of age and nature. Those weekend wine club gatherings will get even more enjoyable in time, and when shared with the same crew. Remembering favorite regional theme nights and laughing together about the blind tasting fails. Pinot noir, no way! Every Friday evening a group of expat men meet for drinks in my hometown of Aix-en-Provence. It’s become a popular event for ending the week, mingling with friends, and sharing the joys of being strangers in a strange land. For the regular members, these Directors Meetings have become an indispensable part of their lives in Provence, and equally appreciated by the wives. Off you go.

With our life legacy projects there are mistakes made and blind alleys chased. A strategy for dealing with disappointment is key. We need to endure through these setbacks as much as celebrate the achievements. But in the end, accomplishment is that much sweeter when the outcomes are much less certain and require that extra push.

Climax

We all know what this is (those of us not in the sex-denied Gen Z cohort). It is what one works toward and can reach delirium in achieving. But in truth, the greatest reward is enjoyed during the journey, not its completion. Meeting someone magical and starting down that wondrous path of romance together. Pursuing an ambitious dream and coming to appreciate more deeply our own strengths and limitations. Sitting (suffering?) through a dozen films of Godard and Truffaut, with someone who now has become a close friend (a Siskel to your Ebert), and remembering all the mystery and vexation and boxes of Jujubes and popcorn. Okay, next up Louis B Mayer epics!

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Nature fixes age limits on getting pregnant with a child, but not for other endeavors of great fun and reward. Just remember the Rule of 4 and you’ll be knocked up in no time. It’s the spring of new possibilities; get out there!